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2003: A Mountain Odyssey (or "Colorado and Back Again: A Subudian's Holiday")
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2270
Reads
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Posted by
benedict
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
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[Benedict here:
this is a long one... another chapter of the memoirs...
while I'm at it, please give me some feedback on this: does anyone care that I'm spouting my life experiences? That I'm using servers as a forum for my blatherings... please at least three to five people tell me what you think of this... and give me some differing opinions, too]
I have never before felt so very heartbroken to leave a place.
Trying to figure out what to write about my trip to Colorado this past week -- went to Boulder, then Crestone, then from there back here to Carbondale Illinois... READ ON
It was an extremely heavily spiritual, enlightening and awakening experience. Every dang bit of it. I said to someone over there that it's one of my top three vacations of all time... At least that much. It was glorious and scary and joyful and painful and peaceful and... awakening. Some of the lowest lows and the highest highs... if asked if it was a positive experience, I would probably hesitate a moment, then say definitively "Yes." The "bad" bits I spoke of felt to be absolutely a part of my growth process. Rounding one crux of my life after another, rising to one peak to find it a lip in the foothills with the summit amongst the clouds.
I'm speaking vaguely only because it's a lot to make sense of and try to put down on a page, and because I'm kinda tired after having only slept internittently for three hours in the car, over the past day and a half since I left Crestone.
The most recent story, perhaps is a good place to start...
--Oh but I'll start first with what happened after I got back here, before I forget;
I came back to Illinois, got to campus and walking to class (here at Southern Illinois University Carbondale)... and I had the distinct sensation that I had new eyeballs. I saw much more of everything than I remember ever seeing before. My eyes felt as if they were drinking in everything that was in front of them. As if my old eyes had blinders on, were only seeing through a pinhole and blind to everything around me. Coming back to Illinois I feel like a foreigner, like everything is somewhat familiar as if I might've been here long ago, but truly new. It seems like I moved to Colorado in spirit, probably shortly after I got there. I do remember driving around Boulder and actually starting to remember where the streets were and where buildings were and knowing how to get around and where things were (in the few parts of Boulder I did actually go through). It felt so damn comfortable, like I could just move in right away. Coming back here to Illinois I feel as if the world is different, not just the familiar bland blind old place. As if being in Colorado opened my awareness up. I guess I did say I got new eyeballs, didn't I...
I think one of the things that cemented this waking up that I experienced was what happened on the way back. I was on the way through Kansas City, it was an hour or two before midnight, and I missed an exit and hit the hugest pothole I have ever encountered; with a big BANG my left front tire was flat. I learned how to change a tire; thankfully there was a spare and a jack and a tire iron in the trunk (from when my older brother owned the car)... I looked at the manual and changed the tire -- it said "Max speed 50 mph", and "Temporary Use Only". I had around 350 miles left to go, according to the map. I didn't really see any other options, so I prayed to God and the Angels to hold my tire and my car together, and set out on the interstate at 50 mph.
The meaningful part of this experience, was that I knew that it was very necessary for me to remain in a constant state of prayer the whole time I was driving the car. It was entirely out of my hands at this point, all I had to go on was faith and prayer that I'd be carried through it all somehow.
A lot of things happened on this trip and it seems like it was all lessons that I needed to go through, and am still going through. Colorado is a next big step in my life. An important step in taking responsibility for my life and growing up and becoming an "adult".
On Sunday morning, I was in Crestone at the Doksons' place and one of their goats was in labor (two goats had given birth the day before, one of them to twins), and I was chilling out in the house while the rest of the folks were out with momma. It was after I'd come back from latihan with "Subud San Luis Valley" (the male contingent thereof), and I decided to do some testing by myself. Going along with one of the main "themes" of the trip, I suppose: my dear friend Miss Laura Ramsey told me a while ago a quote from Bapak's that she has framed on her wall... I don't remember it all of course, but the most important points were that it is a Subud member's responsibility to create their own happiness. That pain and jealousy and hurt and all these kinds of things come from a heart that is small. And it is our responsibility to have a heart that is big, that is as wide as the whole ocean, wide enough to encompass the whole world. That's been kind of sticking to me since I heard it. It felt like one of the most important things that happened to me on this trip was with my heart, the pain and fear that happens to allow me to pull out of it and grow from it. Have to be broken to pieces before you can be rebuilt; that kind of thing.
So I was alone in the little bedroom in the house there, and I asked, "How am I when my heart is the size of two fists in the middle of my chest" -- that's the size of the organ that is the human heart, right? And it felt very small, all kinda wonky and not so good. (I don't remember all the details -- ask the question yourself and you won't need my explanation.)
Then I asked, "How am I when my heart is the size of my whole chest and abdomen?" And immediately I felt a world of difference. It felt somewhat familiar, actually... like how I've felt during those rare moments of clarity and purity... where I just feel like I'm in tune with myself and the world, that I know what to do, don't need to worry. Something to that effect.
Then, "How am I when my heart is a bit bigger than my whole body?" And this was even moreso... it felt also familiar but perhaps slightly beyond what I'd felt before...
Then, "...when my heart is as big as this room?"... "as big as this house...", "as big as the town of Crestone..." (see where I'm going with this...)
...as big as Crestone and the Baca and surrounding area... as a Mountain... as the whole San Luis Valley, with both mountain ranges... (the thing stretches from the middle of Colorado down a third of the way into New Mexico, huge and flat in the middle, it takes probably at least over an hour to drive across the middle east to west -- for those who haven't been there)...
...as big as the state of Colorado... this whole country... the Atlantic Ocean... the Pacific Ocean... The Whole Earth and Everything On It and In It.
That was quite a trip. I almost felt like going further, but I started to get a sense that it was enough. I got a sense pretty quickly, even when I started getting to "as big as this house" that it was further beyond what I was capable of feeling at the time. But I felt that just the doing of it was opening and stretching something inside me. Like I said it started to feel like it was beyond me... but as I kept going it just felt like I was opening up moreso, like a dip and a rise. Waves. I don't remember it all of course, perhaps that's not important. I just want to convey some of an idea of what it felt like. I recommend trying something similar to anyone brave enough to do so.
My heart definitely was stretched by this trip. I'm still processing and learning from it all. And even as nice as it was in Colorado, in Boulder and in Crestone, I felt that I wasn't quite ready for it yet. In a way I'm glad that I have at least a couple months more to be in Illinois, to prepare myself for it. But I'm definitely going back. And praying for miracles to help me along the way.
My life seems kinda boring when I look at it sometimes, when I hear stories of other people's joys and friends and families, and journeys and rough times that they've come through to become better people... I've been kindof underexposed thus far. I suppose I have some sort of hope that my best times are yet to come... I seem to have a decent soul, and I'm gradually being taught how to use it. All of those things I haven't had yet are still out there somewhere. Even if I don't find them all, I'll probably find interesting things along the way, as long as I keep looking. Persistence seems to be one of the most important things in life. I just know that life becomes golden because of interactions and relationships with other people, and I hope that y'all will help me along, and I hope to help y'all as best I can.
"Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters..." -David Matthews
til later,
love,
Benedict
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| 2003: A Mountain Odyssey (or "Colorado and Back Again: A Subudian's Holiday") | Log-in or register a new user account | 1 Comment |
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Re: 2003: A Mountain Odyssey (or "Colorado and Back Again: A Subudian's Holiday")
(Score: 1)
by IrinaBoersma (irina_b@ofir.dk)
on Mar 27, 2003 - 10:48 AM
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Dear Benedict. I was really moved by your experience, and also by you wanting to share it with all of us. It is such a personal and moving experience, that contains a truth that is bigger than you and me!!! I'm just grateful that you DO use this site as a forum to share your experiences, hopefully it will give people some things to think about and some things to believe in. Very lovely, thank you. Irina
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